In his own estimation, Professor Rudyard Popcorn may be one of the leading experts in FLIM (Film as Life in Miniature) in the north-east of England. He has been Get Carter Professor of FLIM studies at the University of Jesmond Dene since February 2008, and he has written several important articles (in crayon) about some of the greatest films ever made, including Citizen Kane, Casablanca and Crocodile Dundee IV: The Wilderness Years.
Popcorn first came to public attention at the Paris Film Conference in 1968, when he delivered his memorable lecture, Why Tony Curtis is the greatest film actor there has ever been, or can ever be. This provoked a mixed reaction among delegates to the conference.
The Professor’s controversial views about Tony Curtis were later set out in a book, Why Tony Curtis? (Spurious Books, 1969).
Since the outbreak of the twenty-first century, Popcorn has established the new academic discipline of Film as Life in Miniature (FLIM). FLIM, which may eventually be embraced as a new field of study by several more people worldwide, is the study of film as a mirror of reality. FLIMists, as devotees are known, work tirelessly to lay bare the realities of life as revealed in film.
Since his epoch-making invention of FLIM, Professor Popcorn has travelled widely throughout Jesmond, researching such matters as the ventilation systems of buildings, feminine hygiene and the miraculous visibility of the Eiffel Tower. The Professor is often to be seen scouring the charity shops of the north-east of England, trying to shoplift such rare videos as Sparkacus: The rebel electrician and I was a teenage dentist. Police say he should not be approached, except by Tony Curtis.
The following are just some of the many facts that FLIM scholars have amassed during their researches...
Until about 1960, all journalists in the United States were trained at the prestigious Hollywood School of Journalism. Graduates of the school can easily be recognised because:
Under international regulations concerning seedy places, all such places must have at least one bare light-bulb, without any kind of shade, clearly visible at all times. This is to allow people to be aware that they are entering, or have entered, a place officially designated as seedy. For the benefit of blind people, seedy places will usually have a barking dog hidden away somewhere. Landladies of seedy apartment buildings are always badly-dressed and never leave the building.
For women, the approved method for showering is to stand in the shower for ages and play with their hair.
Anyone admitted to a hospital is treated to a fast ride down a brightly-lit corridor on a stretcher, surrounded by worried-looking medical personnel.
By law in the United States, if two or more tramps are sitting in the open air, they must have a fire to huddle round.
People who wear glasses can usually see perfectly well without them. The exceptions to this are Spiderman, who discovers that he cannot see with his glasses, and Velma in the Scooby-doo films who really cannot see without them.
Even when driving on a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to keep jiggling the steering-wheel. It is also OK to take your eyes off the road for minutes on end while you talk to your passenger.
All bombs have large red digital displays so you always know when they’re due to go off.
The ventilation systems of buildings are nearly always very clean and brightly lit, and made up of shining steel tunnels with plenty of crawl-space for people. Crawling through a ventilation system will get you anywhere in a building. If you eavesdrop on anyone through a ventilation grille, you will always see and hear exactly what you need to learn straight away. Even in buildings full of top-secret documents, ventilation grilles are always very easy to remove from the inside or outside. They can be replaced just as easily. However much noise you make in a ventilation system, nobody will ever hear you.
By law, lift-shafts throughout the world have to be fitted with hand-holds that are not quite adequate or reliable. Also by law, people must stand in a lift facing the front, even if that means facing the lift wall to the side of the door.
If anyone coughs, even once, they will soon die or become dangerously ill.
High-school students find it very difficult to talk to each other, or have violent confrontations, unless they are standing by an open locker.
Big, rough-looking men with violent backgrounds make the gentlest carers for babies and small children.
If feeling threatened in a multi-storey car-park, you may be tempted to get into your car and drive off straight away. In fact, you should stand at your car door with the keys in your hand, looking around and listening for the werewolf/vampire/serial killer/stalker (delete as appropriate).
For safety and convenience, alien landing-craft always give off masses of light in all directions, even if they are trying to land unnoticed.
For safety reasons, the sidekicks of villains will always laugh enthusiastically at any slightly humorous remark made by their boss. They will even laugh at hackneyed phrases such as ‘Let’s teach him a little lesson’.
In all parts of Mexico, Mariachi music is played constantly in all places at all times (in France it is the same, but it is accordion music).
Public transport in poor countries cannot operate unless there is livestock on board.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
Mexicans are funny.
Russians are serious.
Many Americans sound as if they are from Australia, New Zealand, Canada or Britain, and are just putting on an American accent.
Japanese people abroad wear funny hats, bright clothes and cameras, and are always smiling. They always photograph the most embarrassing things.
If you whisper the words ‘castle’, ‘Dracula’ or ‘vampire’ on licensed premises anywhere in Eastern Europe, the patrons, who have amazingly good hearing, will immediately become silent.
Women in the Southern States of the US have a strong tendency to become tragedy queens.
Most French women under 60 are intellectuals.
In Ancient Rome, it was considered very rude to eat grapes in public unless one picked up the whole bunch and ate only the ones at the bottom, with one’s teeth.
In Medieval Europe it was considered proper to eat very messily and noisily, using only a knife and one’s bare hands.
In Ancient times, all Jewish men had bad posture and could not put their arms down at their sides.
In the past, everything was slightly brownish.
In the early twentieth century, all cars backfired all the time and never ran smoothly.
The entire First World War was fought in muddy trenches – nobody ever rode a tank or horse, flew an aeroplane or sailed on a ship.
All German officers in WWI had nasty facial scars that looked as if they had been stitched up by a drunken medical student.
Until about 1960, all German aristocrats wore monocles, although it seems unlikely that poor eyesight in just one eye was more prevalent in their country than elsewhere.
During the American Depression, all men wore flat caps and queued along walls all the time.
If you stray into a half-empty church at any time, you will immediately see an old woman crossing herself before leaving.
If you sit in an empty church for more than ten seconds, you will always get caught up in an interesting conversation with a priest, whose remarks will always go right to the meat of your personal problems.
Until about 1960, Roman Catholic priests in American cities only ever associated with juvenile delinquents.
No wedding ceremony ever goes off without a hitch.
Nuns are trained to giggle and look bashful at all times when in public.
During a wedding, the door at the back of a church cannot be opened without making a huge bang and letting in a sudden flood of bright light.
Funerals are always attended by at least one person who knows all or part of the truth about the death of the person in the coffin.
When a dead person is exhumed, they are usually found to be missing, or someone completely different.
Nobody is ever buried in a conventional graveyard next to other fresh burials. Space is always found in an old part of the graveyard which one would expect to be full up.
Hardly anyone is ever cremated.
About 50% of people attending a funeral will wear sunglasses.
People who appear to be Cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church are often impostors, and/or people involved in black magic.
A cross turned upside-down always means devil-worship, and is never a symbol of St Peter.
At night, churches are always deliberately dimly-lit in such a way as to suggest mystery and menace.
During all police investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
A police precinct cannot operate smoothly unless a phone is ringing somewhere, and a line of prostitutes is somewhere in the building.
During prolonged questioning, police detectives are trained to become seriously scruffy.
When a large amount of money is required by some nefarious organisation (a ransom demand for kidnappers, payment for a supplier of bombs, etc.), no matter what the sum, it will exactly fill one briefcase.
When a scientist is trying to solve any problem, mentioning random words in their hearing will always help. Here is a typical piece of dialogue:
SCIENTIST: I just can't seem to make this work. It's hopeless!
MIKE: Er, Doc, you've got some dandruff on your lapel...
SCIENTIST: Dandruff? Did you say dandruff? Of couse! Dandruff! Mike, you're a genius!
(SCIENTIST embraces and kisses Mike, then rushes round the lab pulling out books and bits of apparently random equipment)
When anything even vaguely scientific happens, DNA is probably at the bottom of it. Here are some typical lines:
In the near future, all computers will be able to hold proper conversations with anybody, but it will be easy to make them explode by saying a couple of confusing or paradoxical things, such as ‘I am a liar’ or ‘Flowers are really lobsters’.
Eventually, all maps and documents will be printed on glass or bendy perspex. It will be impossible to read anything on them, but nobody will mind.
In the future, all cars will fly because the streets of cities will be full of robots, mutants and steam.
In the future, everything will look slightly bluish.
Scientific geniuses will work hard to produce advanced robots in human form, but they will seldom remember to give them legs that bend at the knee.
If you want to add your own thoughts or comments to this impressive archive of FLIM facts, please e-mail them to Professor Popcorn’s long-suffering 55-year-old assistant, Dr Bernard Badgerbeard, using the following form:
In an attempt to discredit the (already measly) academic achievements of Professor Popcorn, Dr Badgerbeard would like to point out that many of the findings of Popcorn and his associates have been shamelessly plagiarised from the following Websites:
If you’ve really read all the way down to the bottom of this flimflam web page, you deserve the chance to win something nice.
The real Professor Popcorn wishes to keep his identity secret: the compilers of this Website were forced to substitute a picture of somebody else at the top. The first person to e-mail Doctor Badgerbeard with the identity of the name of the character pictured will win a bag of fabulous Ethiopian Mocha Sidamo Fairly Traded coffee – ground suitable for all coffee-makers (kindly donated by Waitrose Durham). The competition is open only to members of NERLRC, but not employees. The name should be that of the fictional character depicted, and not of the actor.
